Sometimes
people in our lives do things we don't like. In many cases, their
behavior doesn't directly impact us, so it's not appropriate to
say anything. At other times, however, people do things that do
directly cause us harm, and then we have every right to confront
them. Handled well, you don't have to cause a fight. With some
finesse and a little assertiveness, your feedback can be constructive.
Here are steps to take during a confrontation:
ASK QUESTIONS.
Before expressing your dissatisfaction, find out more about why
the person is doing what they're doing. They may have an explanation
you're not aware of that will change your feelings.
BE ASSERTIVE
AND DIRECT, BUT NOT ANGRY. This means you may have to wait until
you're calm and collected. Avoid letting emotion hinder your ability
to communicate well.
MAINTAIN EYE
CONTACT. This may be uncomfortable during a confrontation, but
it tells the person you're serious. It's also a good idea to be
on the same physical level, so you're not looking up or down at
them.
COMMENT ON
THE BEHAVIOR, NOT ON THE PERSON. Our behaviors are not our entire
identities, so don't call names or make any broad, negative comments
about their personality. That'll insult them and make them defensive.
You'll better avoid fighting by commenting solely on what the
person has been doing. Let them know how their behavior affects
you and how it makes you feel. They may not have realized the
impact of their actions. Sharing this impact let's them know why
it's appropriate for you to say anything. (We all have the right
to defend ourselves.)
USE THE "WHEN
YOU, I FEEL..." FORMULA. Use this phrase to clearly describe
your problem. For example, "When you interrupt me, I feel
like my thoughts aren't important."
FOCUS JUST
ON THE ONE BEHAVIOR. Don't turn the conversation into a free-for-all
critique session. Keep your comments specific to this one item
of contention.
STICK TO YOUR
GUNS. You can be wrong about the facts, but you can't be wrong
about your feelings. Don't let the discomfort of the confrontation
scare you away.
MAKE A REQUEST.
Don't just criticize what the person is doing. Suggest actions
you can take together to resolve the situation.
EXPRESS APPRECIATION
FOR THEIR WILLINGNESS TO LISTEN. That'll soften the moment and
make the criticism sting a little less.
Remember that
confrontation isn't always easy, but it's an important part of
any healthy relationship. People who care about you can't consider
your feelings unless you express them.
You may also
wish to read the articles Conflict:
How to Avoid It and Conflict:
How to End It or check out the Jump
Start Leadership Workbooks.