I had a troubling experience at a recent student leadership conference I facilitated for 7th grades. I took 45 students through an activity where they had to toss balls in a specified pattern around three separate circles. They had to set a goal for how many balls they could successfully move through the pattern without dropping. Out of 50 balls, they shot to drop no more than 10. They dropped 44.

In the discussion afterwards I was shocked to hear their responses to what happened. “We didn’t make our goal, but that’s OK.” “We still worked as a team.” “I’m proud of us for trying.” “We still did our best.”

No they didn’t. I watched the entire activity. There was little teamwork. There was no focus. They most certainly didn’t do their best. Respectfully but persistently, I pointed this out to them. I knew they could do better. And when I gave them a second chance with more encouragement, they did considerably better. Until they were pushed, they didn’t know what their best was.

The next day I received feedback from two adults that perhaps I was a little hard on them, like a football coach. I was told I should have praised their effort the first time. I should have acknowledged their participation and not pushed for more. It didn’t matter that their performance improved. Kids need to feel good about themselves – always.

As a motivational speaker for teens, this really bothered me. I’m not interested in pumping people up and having them feel good. I want them to do good. I want them to know what they can accomplish when they work hard. I want them to stand up to adversity and achieve their goals. I want them to feel pride for what they earn, not for what they’re told. And I most definitely do not want to reinforce mediocrity.

Research has shown that the self-esteem movement of the 80’s has proved destructive for kids. By constantly being told “good job” no matter how good or bad the job was, kids are coming out soft, entitled and unprepared for the world.

According to San Diego State Professor Jean Twenge, author of “Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled – and More Miserable Than Ever Before,” these overconfident people (“narcissists”) tend to “lack empathy, react aggressively to criticism and favor self-promotion over helping others.” This narcissism is a result of an environment that has over-emphasized self-confidence.

The research that’s out there is plentiful and conclusive. Praise without basis is dishonest and destructive. By saying “good job” and giving trophies for effort alone, we are reinforcing the wrong behaviors and depriving our kids of the genuine joy and satisfaction that comes from real achievement.

It’s critical that we prepare young people to survive in a world that is not always so kind. They must understand failure, loss and disappointment and learn how to bounce back. They also need credible adults providing feedback. “Good job” will mean a whole lot more from people who also give constructive criticism.

Save your compliments for real accomplishments. Call kids out when they’re not working hard. They can take the truth, and in the long run, they’ll appreciate it.

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